Living with PTSD Out Loud with La’Nita Johnson — Part I

La’Nita Johnson, an education foreign service officer, mental health advocate and antiterrorism educator recounts how she narrowly survived a terrorist attack in Burkina Faso in 2016. After being diagnosed with PTSD La’Nita shares how she’s learned to accept her diagnosis, live out loud with mental illness and provide other resources for civilians with a similar experience.

Transcript from a conversation recorded 5/19/20

please excuse any typos. link to listen to the recording of this transcript here

La’Nita Johnson: I feel like I’m able to tell it so seamlessly, but it’s a level of like detachment because you would read about that and be like. Yo, this is wild. The fact that it happened to me and there’s like no footage or anything other than my account is so crazy

Beyond our Cells is a podcast where I, Taylor Camille share stories by those living a life fully and beyond any stigma or perceived limitations a health condition may have on their day to day lives. For season one of this series, we are highlighting women of color and more often black women whose health needs are frequently looked over and stories seldom shared.

Taylor Camille: Today, we’re speaking with La’Nita Johnson. Lanita and I know each other from having studied at Pepperdine university, a rather small school based in Malibu, California just outside of Los Angeles. La’Nita, and I happened to be in the same dorm freshman year and both kind of Type A personalities as you’ll hear. As time passes, people chart their own paths. But I do remember seeing in 2016 reports from the university detailing that a student had been in a terrorist attack. That student or rather alumna was La’Nita.

What she’ll tell you today may be triggering to some. So I’m just going to give you that warning now, this first episode, which we talked for two hours, so I had to break it down into two, but in this first episode, she details what she remembers from the attack and from before the attack, who she was, what she was in Burkina Faso to do.

And when everything changed.

Burkina Faso is a country in West Africa. A former French colony. La’nita had found herself there on a trip to build a school, learn the culture but little did she know after accomplishing so much in such a short trip, her life was going to be changed forever.

La’Nita Johnson:

hi, my name is Lanita Johnson. I am 27 years old. I’m an original Georgia native and I stan Atlanta until the day I die. Right now I’m working in international education. I’m an education foreign service officer. and that’s my day job, but I would consider myself a dabbler in the space of mental health advocacy and antiterrorism education.

and so I started the blog PTSD out loud, to kind of share more about my mental health and mental illness journey and offer a space for those who are suffering from PTSD and, were not a part of war or combat, just people every day that have PTSD and mental health issues.

Taylor: Before beginning your blog, PTSD Out Loud, where did this journey begin? Knowing you from college. Right? And I think about. Your personality in college, how would you describe yourself and your personality before the events that happened?

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah. It’s so funny you asked that because I was thinking you were going to ask that. And, I was like, Oh man, like a whole life switch has, changed. Honestly, I can tell you who I thought of myself before, my incident and before PTSD. but actually the healing journey that I’m on, and , the therapy that I am in, would actually probably tell you the me before was masking a lot of issues.

So, We went to college together. We went to Pepperdine and I, had my hand in a lot of pots. I would’ve considered myself probably like an overachiever. I was a double major. I was a cheerleader. I was in Greek life. I am an AKA. I was doing internships. I was really concerned about like getting ahead but I liked to have a good time.

After college, I lived in Chicago. I was known for like, having really cool kickbacks and like always being out and about. So I wouldn’t have told you that I thought anything else of my life other than like, yeah, just be . Like I’m kicking it. But it’s so interesting because now, I’m thinking a lot of the things that, I tried to just be cool or like just be like, Oh, it doesn’t matter.

I think was masking a lot of issues that I, didn’t want to address. I had a really hard time with bullying. Probably from elementary school even to what I would say is college. And so now looking back, I’m realizing that had much more of an effect on me than I thought did

Taylor: Like people bullying you.

La’Nita Johnson: yeah, never violent bullying, , but just like a lot of verbal, accostment if that’s even a word, just like.

tiffs back and forth. And then in college, social media was coming out, so incidents with Twitter a lot of that like happy-go-lucky, ‘ , ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter’. was to try and make it seem like, Oh, you’re taking the high road, but now that I’m, going back and I’m doing this really interesting therapy work that is mending disassociated and broken parts, like bullying had a lot, of impact on me and so I’m super glad that I’m getting to address that now because I think for a long time I swept it under the rug. There’s a little bit of harm when we say it’s not that serious or be witty or be sarcastic or think of ways to get around that because I think we don’t ever stop to address the emotion and saying like, no, this doesn’t feel good and I don’t like this.

I don’t want to have be witty or sarcastic or take the high road like, this hurts.

Which bullying can also be, one of the experiences that you have that can cause PTSD as well.

Taylor: Oh wow. I didn’t know that.

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah.

Taylor: I mean, it makes sense when you think about it because that is traumatic so then fast forward, you go on a trip to Burkina Faso. Right?

La’Nita Johnson: Yes. So I was working, in corporate at that time, and I had the opportunity to fundraise, to go to Burkina Faso, which at the time was one of the most illiterate countries in the world. and so the goal was to go help start the construction of a primary school

Taylor: And what year was this?

La’Nita Johnson: 2016. Yeah, and it’s interesting because I actually wasn’t supposed to go when I went. The company that I worked for at the time was selling and I didn’t want to move with the sale, and so I could no longer travel with that group. And so I was like, I fundraised all this money, like I still want to go. So they put me in a random group of people with people I had never met from Springfield, Missouri and I met up with them in Burkina Faso. Never having met them and yeah, it was so weird. I was the only person of color. And so I was like, what did I throw myself into? But it was the best week of my life, and I always like to start with that because I feel like I had this really crazy experience and everyone forgets that I had a full seven days before that happened, and so it was so beautiful because the first day we were working in a remote village called Morpougha . and so we were starting the construction of the school, but we signed this decree with everyone in the village for them to put boys and girls in school equally. And so they invited us to the village with dance and song and food, and it was so warm.

That entire week, my team and I spent not only on the construction of the school, but we also, made Shea butter from scratch with the villager. Pay all of the premium for Shea butter if you buy it.

Taylor: Yep.

La’Nita Johnson: But we were doing all of these cultural things. We were watching them weave and make the traditional Burkinabe crafts and learning about their food and just detaching from all things in this really remote village and reflecting.

And so I always like to say that that happened first because to me that is a true representative of Burkina culture it’s warm, it’s accepting, it’s learning. And then on our last day, we left the village in this amazing celebration where they like adorned us in traditional, Burkina, fabric. And they send us off with blessings.

And I really, I feel like that celebration, the, we’ll send off sent us with the blessings that we needed to survive the attack because — we headed to a restaurant that evening to celebrate the work we had done. And after about an hour and a half of being in there, some attackers entered the restaurant and , they entered with guns. And actually when it happened, we thought it was like a robbery, they came in two times. So they came in one time , to make their presence and, and shoot some people

They were shooting people at point blank range, they bombed the restaurant. where I was seated, I had a 50 50 chance of survival. Everybody to my right was either shot or killed and everybody to my left

made it. But because I had my back towards the wall and I had a vision of what was going on.

I was able to sink down, hide under the table, and crawl into the bathroom just physically because of where I was seated But they came back a second time to check to see who was dead, pick up bodies, shake bodies, and just ensure that they had really killed everyone. I was fortunate enough to hide in the bathroom, but at a certain point, they bombed the top of the building. And so the people in the bathroom, I assume they were just gonna let us die from the bomb. So the building was collapsing.

Taylor: Oh my goodness.

La’Nita Johnson: And I’ll never forget, this guy in the bathroom, he was coughing so much and we were like, please stop coughing because we could get caught. But when the smoke started coming through the vents. I speak French and this, this French guy said ‘nous allons mourir’ , which means we’re going to die.

And I just remember the absolute dread I felt when he said that, because there was no way out. If you open the door, they were shooting people as you left the bathroom.

I escaped narrowly. But after that, I was in hiding for about another 15 additional hours because I was hiding in an alley adjacent to the restaurant, which was right next door to the terrorists. They set up shop there. So they were shooting people as they walked by and they were probably like no more than five feet from me. so I spent the night until the morning, about like 10 o’clock. The next day it happened at 7:30 PM and I waited from about 8:30 to 10:00 AM the next day waiting for the police to come get me.

Taylor: My gosh. You guys were supposed to travel back to the U S after this?

La’Nita Johnson: So actually Al Qaeda really put a cramp in our trip because it was our last day with a nonprofit organization. But my group and I were going to stay a couple of extra days to explore Ouagadougou, which is the capital city.

And so, it was our last day having come back from the village. but we still had I think another two to three days before we were set to leave.

Taylor: wow.

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah. It was absolutely the scariest day of my life. And I think, a lot of my PTSD stems from the lack of control of that situation of being in the bathroom.

Cause I essentially could do nothing. I couldn’t leave. I was hiding under a sink and it was just like, wow. Like my life is completely in the hands of two little kids in here, in this restaurant and whatever they want to do.

Taylor: Who were the little kids?

La’Nita Johnson: They were technically considered youth. They were Al-Qaida attackers, but I can guarantee you they were no more than 18 years old, no more. Yeah. They knocked on the door, which was really weird because they knocked on the door, I guess, to see if anyone was in the bathroom or to check. But I think that they were high also because they laughed after they knocked on the door, they just continued shooting people in the restaurant, but it was really weird that they didn’t enter the bathroom, and I remember this guy was holding the bathroom door shut and no one moved when they knocked on the door, but I really thought when they knocked that they were for sure about to enter because no more than 30 seconds prior.

They had shot next door to the bathroom and all you could hear were screams, gunfire, cell phones ringing. yeah. So it was really, really odd that they never entered the bathroom.

Taylor: I literally cannot imagine when you read stuff like this or even see it on the news. There’s like a sort of detachment that I feel like I’m privileged to not know what that’s like when you think about school shootings or nightclub shootings, and it’s just like, these are just numbers and places and you can empathize with the people, but I cannot imagine going through it.

And, so your strength alone is amazing. but how many people were in your program that were there, and then how many came out

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah. So, there were six Americans that came to Burkina Faso for the program, but we also had a Burkina Faso staff team. So we had two translators, two chefs and two drivers. And so how many, how many is that in total? Six to 12. This is what I hate the most, the attack essentially, what came out later, the attack was to target Westerners for having pillaged Burkina land and just kind of the typical rhetoric of, jihad. And so all of the Americans survived two Burkina Faso group members died our amazing, amazing translator. Ahmed and our driver passed away unfortunately. And then, two other people were shot and it was one of our chefs and another one of our drivers.

I suffered an injury, while trying to hide in the alley. I slit my foot open on some, like rugged steel and metal, and I had to get a lot of stuff done in the hospital. So I think I was the only American injured from our group.

But I remember being in the hospital and they were like someone wants to talk to you and like the complete thing is a blur. And they asked me, do you want to go to Chicago because that’s where I was living at the time, or do you want to go to Atlanta? for them buying my ticket and I was like, I have work on Monday.

Like I have to go back to Chicago. And I wrote, I know, I remember someone being like, sweetheart, like you will not be going to work on Monday, but like you’re in such

Taylor: Oh my God, gosh.

La’Nita Johnson: just in shock. Oh, and my mom was on her birthday vacation. So I think in the hospital someone was like, your mom wants to talk to you.

and they were, I literally was like, why did you guys tell my mom , she’s on vacation? And they were like, they saw on the news. So I think the level of shock that I was in was like absolutely asinine.

Taylor: wow.

So then what was the journey like coming back home? You had to go to the hospital and then shortly after the hospital you got back on a plane to come back to the States.

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah. when this was happening, I had no clue what was going on.

Even up to two days after I got told after surviving like this was a terrorist attack, but I had to come home to read about what happened.

CNN REPORTER, David McKenzie: There are new details coming from the foreign ministry in Burkina Faso, which say at least 20 have been killed in this horrifying siege and attack. It was a terrifying scene on Friday evening in the Capitol. Ouagadougou as witnesses describe government coming in and shooting as they went. This attack with early indications showing it to much more sophisticated, potentially more deadly attack.

They said they were in there during the day. They were joined up later. By other attackers, and there was several explosions as the attack unfolded. So this really points to the expanded reach, ambitions and deadly terror attacks that they’re willing to put off, including in Burkina Faso, which hasn’t seen an attack of this nature, um, ever.

La’Nita Johnson: Coming home. Crazy. And you spoke about disassociation earlier, and I think it’s so interesting because even thinking back to it. I feel like I’m able to tell it so seamlessly, but it’s a level of like detachment because you would read about that and be like. Yo, this is wild. And like the fact that it happens and there’s like, it happened to me and there’s like no footage or anything other than my account is so crazy. So I think in coming home I was so focused on getting back. We were evacuated to Senegal and then Paris, and then Atlanta.

We were talking about our experience. Like it was nothing like, we are like, yeah, because all of our group, we split up. I only ended up with one other person from the group. So all the other members, all 12 of us had very different experiences. And so the first time I was seeing together we were at an embassy house before, but we didn’t really get to chat until we got on the plane. So we’re all sitting as one having a conversation about our, wild near death experiences. But like normally like how you would tell someone you had a great pizza last night and this journalist was sitting next to us and she was like, ‘I’m sorry.

Were you guys in the attack?’ And we were like, yeah. She was like, ‘are you guys okay?’ We’re like, no. But like,

Taylor: Oh my God, guys.

La’Nita Johnson: and so I remember it was crazy, but like nice, because I think it was really important at that time to be with everybody because you just went through something so crazy. But then to have experienced that with a group of people and then go back home to I’m air quoting right now like safety. It is technically safe.

It is physically safe, but you are removed from everything that you just experienced. And I saw, I saw a fact. about like veterans when I come home about why so many veterans want to go back to serving. And it’s because they experienced something so crazy and only these other people understand.

Taylor: Okay.

La’Nita Johnson: So I do I remember coming home I went to the hospital upon getting home from the airport. I found out my friend died, which was crazy.

And I remember going to the hospital, checking myself in, and they were like, can you tell us why you’re here today? I’m like, I just survived a terrorist attack and I just need to get my body checked for anything. And the lady’s face looked at me like, I was crazy. And my mom was like, I’m sorry.

She’s in shock and I’m like, I’m fine, I just need to get these things done. So I think for the first couple of weeks you’re in so much shock, but then you also look around and no one is around you that understands what you just went through because everybody I just experienced with went back to Missouri, and so I had amazing friends that were

sitting with me on the couch, bringing me gifts, and I had so many flowers and I was in my parents’ house and they were clothing me and taking me to all of these doctor’s appointments. And also my boyfriend at the time broke up with me two days later. So that was like really crazy. Yeah, like it was just a whirlwind of things.

And you just want to kind of go back because you’re like, at least. I was with a group of people and we all just experienced this really massively wild thing and it makes sense within that, but everybody is trying to like shower you with love, like back in the States and everyone’s telling you, you’re safe, you’re safe, you’re fine.

Let’s get you to therapy. Let’s take you to the doctor, let’s get your hair done. Like, let’s get you clothes. And all you’re thinking about is like, I’m very overwhelmed. I don’t have anybody here that understands what I’m feeling right now. My boyfriend just broke up with me and I know you guys are trying to be nice, but like.

all of these things are happening to you and nobody there gets it and everybody wants to help. But all of the help that everyone is giving you it doesn’t feel helpful

Taylor: It’s out of touch.

La’Nita Johnson: yeah.

I know that it was well intentioned, like, I just want to sit and cry, but I’m going to be honest. Sometimes it felt like you have to keep it together for everyone else because everyone is like, ‘you just went through this horrible, horrible thing’ and you’re like, I know.

I just want to sit down and feel it.

Taylor: Yeah. And they’re all monitoring you and yeah, all eyes on you and you just want to like perform how they, you don’t know how to perform. Like should you perform how they expect you to perform? What is safe because you don’t,

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah. You don’t feel safe and I don’t think I noticed that probably. I’m going to not lie to you until quarantine think I knew when it was going on that like I’m not really having a chance to heal. Because everybody is like you can be okay, but if you’re used to like you always do well in school, you are always getting a good job.

You’re always getting a good internship when your life is literally being ripped apart. It feels weird to then be like, I’m going to stop and cry and be vulnerable and let everybody in when, I’ve never had to do that.

Taylor: Right?

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah. So it was a different

Taylor: When I think about you saying that, I feel like I think of a puzzle. I’m like, the puzzle was put together like it was fine and someone just came and just like destroyed the puzzle and you have to put it back together, but you might not have all the pieces, but you need to kind of like rebuild.

Kind of your whole identity? Honestly, because I think we were both very similar in that we cared about our education and we crossed our T’s and dotted our I’s. I just very put together not control freaks, but definitely type a people like a plus B equals C. Okay, got it. I’m got the formula and I’m going to go do it, and when something throws a wrench in that, it’s just like. Oh, okay. What do I do now? And I think it’s funny that you bring up quarantine because this is definitely for me also been a good time to heal because I’m so used to go, go, go and ignore, ignore and keep going. But I do feel like we’re sort of at an advantage. having experienced different things and knowing that we’re not in control, which I think a lot of people are grappling with now like that they never really had control especially in the States, everything, usually to go to the court needing to plan. Like there might be a few hiccups and bumps in the road, but like you would never imagine, you know, like 9/11 was the biggest shock of our lives.

La’Nita Johnson: Yeah.

Taylor: So you just wouldn’t imagine. So, I don’t know. It’s interesting to think about, even four years later that, you know, healing is still happening.

La’Nita Johnson: I love, I love, love, love that puzzle analogy you made because it is quite literally like somebody kicked my puzzle and was like, nah, girl, like try again.

I love it so much more because I don’t think I was supposed to put my puzzle back together, because it was so neat and nice and like linear. I absolutely tried to make this event mean one very specific thing, like God chose you because you hated corporate America and you know you like education and you are going to like take this thing and be like, God saved me so I could go into a career of international education and save the world.

Like that sounds like a very nice package and it, it has. Meaning, and it makes it seem like everything you just experienced, you can now move in a linear journey to healing. Like you will start applying for grad school. You will like apply for fellowships to get into grad school. You will go to grad school and I think.

Ultimately it’s odd. Even though I had a lot of bumps in that journey, like those things that I just mentioned happened, but it was nothing like I anticipated I got in this amazing grad school program that I stand for the day I die. I got in the international training and education program at American and like I had the hardest first year of my life.

Like. PTSD you suffer with like memory loss. lack of concentration. I couldn’t sleep. I had nightmares every night. I was tired. I wasn’t really connecting in DC and like. I still wanted to put together this like neat package. So I like started a hashtag like grad school bae, but like inside I was like, I am stressed.

Like I’m stressed, I’m working two jobs. This is insane. And I finally had to get it out because one day this person was like, your life is perfect and I’m so jealous. And I like read that. And I was like, yo, I have to be honest because this is not real. Like people probably think that I had this really nice linear journey of like surviving near death and getting my grad school paid and working and living in DC and I have a dog and it looks very nice like those aspects were true, but I was not sharing like. I can’t sleep like I have not slept. I don’t get a full night’s sleep like I am tired. I find it hard to communicate with new people. I am having trouble connecting with my friends. I’ve lost friends and so I think it was finally time to be honest with that, because I think it looks really cool to survive trauma.

But no. Sometimes I don’t feel like we go into as much detail as to what surviving trauma and healing from trauma really means, because it’s not pretty, but that’s okay.

Taylor: Yeah.

La’Nita Johnson: when my, my first therapist in Atlanta was like, you don’t have PTSD like. I was hype. I was jumping for joy. Like, Oh cool. I don’t have the, like not knowing she wasn’t going to be able to identify that I had PTSD because she wasn’t going to see me for three months.

You can’t give a PTSD diagnosis unless you have a series of symptoms. And have experienced them for three months.

So I think , I took that little nugget and I moved forward with it probably because I had my own stigma about what mental illness was, but I did always know Lanita there is no shame in going to talk to somebody.

I think I just had a level of shame with like, well, how long is this going to take? what’s the quickest I can heal?

Taylor: Okay. Okay.

La’Nita Johnson: And both of my therapist have had to be like, there is no timeline. And I’m like, yeah, but like do you have any case studies for people that heal really, really quick? Cause I need those.

Taylor: I am through, if you said, give me the fast pass. I want off this ride.

La’Nita Johnson: I need it. I need it now. I’m like, look, I got PTSD. Like it is what it is. I’m going to try it.

Taylor: we’re homeys.

La’Nita Johnson: I got a name for her. Her name is Patty. She’d be doing what she do.

and I don’t think I really accepted it until I started this blog because when I started mapping it out, I had to write a section of what is PTSD, what are its symptoms, and how do you know?

And it wasn’t until I was like. Really reading all of the literature that I was like, SIS, you have each and every one of these symptoms almost daily. Like you can’t, you can’t say you don’t have this anymore. Like they’re not just symptoms. Like this is a diagnosis. And I will say, I met someone with PTSD.

Granted he was in combat, but meeting somebody with PTSD who was my age outside of my group. Who was also a person of color helped me not stigmatize it or self-stigmatize it as badly as I think I was because I was doing everything to just be like, no, but I’m in therapy, so like I’m figuring it out.

He was like, I think when I started telling him, shout out to Ken if he hears this, I was talking to him and he was like.

No, you, you have PTSD. And I was like, okay, like, yeah, I do. And he encouraged me to start the blog because he was like, nobody talks about it. And we’re like in our twenties and thirties and everybody’s putting this face on what it is. And he’s like, you are a pretty girl who travels. I think I had been to 20/25 countries before this, you are not what the face of PTSD would look like.

You got to talk about it

Taylor Camille: Next week we’ll take a look at how PTSD has affected La’Nita’s life not only at work but in relationships, whether it be friendships or romantic. and get a better idea of what PTSD is like once you return home

La’Nita Johnson: my goal was to start writing about these experiences about everyday PTSD. Because one thing my therapist at the time said was like, ‘the resources for PTSD that is suffered by veterans is very different because they know what they signed up for.’

Beyond Our Cells is an original series produced and hosted by me Taylor Camille, a variety of the series artwork shared here and on our Instagram @beyondourcells are created by Carmen Johns and Sierra Hood. My hope is that these listening’s have left you with a warm heart and an even cooler mind. I hope you are left feeling able to seek peace in the spaces and places you may find yourself in.

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