HIV & Positivity with Caleb Ashton

Actor, Caleb Ashton talks about managing his life and career being HIV+ and what representation in entertainment looks like to him. One in seven Black people have HIV in the United States, but they’re unaware that they have it and without treatment they may unknowingly pass it to others.

In this episode we talk about the stigma surrounding HIV, what his treatment looks like and what he hopes for representation of Black gay men in media.

Transcript from a conversation recorded 7/23/20

please excuse any typos. link to listen to the recording of this transcript here

002 Caleb Ashton

Caleb Ashton: It made me responsible in other areas of my life too, but it also taught me, not to have that stigma. And it softened my heart to people who do have HIV as well, because I always looked at it as a stigma.

Beyond our Cells is a podcast where I, Taylor Camille, share stories by those living a life fully and beyond any stigma or perceived limitations a health condition may have on their day to day lives. For season two of the series we’re highlighting stories from Black men, the stigmas around caring for their health and bodies beyond fitness and examining masculinity. As always, please share and subscribe if you haven’t already.

Today, we’re speaking with Caleb Ashton. I found Caleb doing some research on the interwebs. My friends will call me a creep because I can find anyone. So maybe I should add that to my resume, but I found Caleb searching on YouTube, looking for people that were HIV positive and talking about it.

And he was doing a spot for an app called the Safe app. Which allows you to figure out your STD status from your phone. One of the most endearing things about him, in one of these videos is he introduces himself. He’s like, “Hi, I’m Caleb Ashton and I have HIV. Well, maybe that’s not the first thing you need to know about me.” And I just, I thought like that truly encapsulates everything I’m trying to do with this podcast and how we talk about health. Like, yes. It’s a very important part about myself, but it’s not the first thing you need to know and it can be tricky talking about it.

HIV or human immunodeficiency virus is a virus that attacks the body’s immune system. And if not treated can lead to AIDS, I think that was one thing that always tripped me up. It’s like they lump it together. HIV slash AIDS. When you see it on many materials and I have a hard time deciphering the difference between the two.

The challenges in preventing HIV is that one in seven Black people have HIV in the United States, but they’re unaware that they have it. And without treatment, they may unknowingly pass it to others. According to the CDC, African American men and women have higher rates of some sexually transmitted diseases than other racial and ethnic communities.

This is important to note because having another STD can increase a person’s chance of getting or transmitting HIV. Caleb is an actor having moved from Texas to Los Angeles to pursue his dreams. He also, you know, dabbles in the tik tok space if you need some levity at any point, I would suggest taking a look at those. And it was good to talk to him about stigma surrounding HIV, what his treatment looks like and what he hopes for representation of Black gay men in the entertainment industry.

Here’s Caleb.

Caleb Ashton: Hi, I’m Caleb Fields. I go by Caleb Ashton, cause I’m that Ashton is my middle name. and it just has a nice flow to it I’ve been told. I, was born in Houston, Texas and I was just always a creative, young child. I went to high school for performing visual arts.

I went there for acting then after, I left there, I went to Ball State university in Indiana for acting. I went to the Navy reserves for, for six years and then after that, I sort of, like just kind of hustled just to try to build up my resume and, build up my skillset as far as acting went. and then after that I went to LA. Because I needed to change of scenery. I was doing that in the Houston scene so I moved to LA, which is where I am now. And from here I’ve just been networking. And, ultimately founded my own production company, which I’m glad I did with one of my closest friends, especially at this time.

So we can kinda like, kind of just take control of things and not just sit and wait yeah. But I found out about, my health status as far as HIV goes, I found out about my status upon arriving here in LA and it was just a normal checkup. Cause I normally, I normally go to check up I had not been in a while to the clinic, just to make sure everything is good and I found out that I had it and I didn’t think that it was weird cause I didn’t, that would never cross my mind that I would have it. And especially with my last sexual encounter, being with somebody that I trusted, I wouldn’t think that I, I would have but like right when I found out I contracted it, I just was like, it was like an outer body experience.

I always say that cause it’s a truth. But I felt like a stigma. The person who told me the physician who told me, you could tell, like they, of course they went through this before and they have, they witnessed that awkward moment where they don’t know how to console a stranger. So I didn’t want to make it more awkward for them. So I was not trying to be that emotional and hide. It was just a whole bunch of stuff going on. But after that, of course, he got me in touch with the pharmacy, and a health care provider, that I needed. But that experience, it made me more responsible as far as far as my sexual health and just letting partners know that, “Hey, I do have, HIV I’m HIV positive” and it was crazy cause a lot of people that I told, even if it was just like a close friend, they were like, ‘I’m glad that you were open about it cause I have it too’ and it just, it just made things more, like you said it was more, made my experiences and, relationship more transparent.

Like it made me responsible in other areas of my life too, but it also taught me, not to have that stigma. And it softened my heart to people who do have HIV as well, because I was, I always looked at it as a stigma. And, I think me going through it, me actually having it, definitely just maybe soften up my heart, to other people who have it as well.

Taylor Camille: Right. So, and before your diagnosis, I mean, so you moved from, were you in Texas and then you moved to Los Angeles.

Caleb Ashton: I was in Texas. I was in Houston, then I moved to Los Angeles and that was, this was the fall of two, the fall of 2018. So a little bit of like a year and a half ago.

Taylor Camille: Okay. Got it. And so, I mean, moving to a new city and then being proactive enough to like go to a clinic is beyond me because I, I, myself, I’m just thinking, like, I probably would just hit the ground running, not think about it, like keep, you know, cause you’re trying to get started and,

Caleb Ashton: And that, and that came along with that too, like that was doing that, but I was like, okay. I mean, I haven’t been to the clinic in a while, let me just go be responsible and do that. When I moved here, it did take a while to get stuff going but I eventually did get booked gigs, but you’re like trying to balance that right? What you came here for, your, your finances? And then this comes along. So it was a lot, it was a lot that I was dealing with, but I’m glad I went through it. It definitely didn’t deter me, but yeah,

Taylor Camille: Right. And were you by yourself when you, when you went to the clinic?

Caleb Ashton: I was by myself.

Taylor Camille: Oh man.

Caleb Ashton: I was by myself. Yeah. I mean, and I did tell my closest friend later that evening. I wasn’t too overwhelmed, but it was like, damn, I have to deal with this. I mean, I couldn’t, I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t going stop. But yeah, I went there by myself.

Taylor Camille: Yeah. what was the response when you told your close friends and then eventually told your family, how did they take the news?

Caleb Ashton: They were very supportive. I was shocked. They were very supportive. I didn’t, I didn’t tell my parents, my family, for a year after I found out, cause I didn’t know how to tell them. And they were already kind of worried that I was out here by myself, so I didn’t want to make them more worried.

So I didn’t tell them cause I remember I went home this past Thanksgiving. So Thanksgiving of 2019. And that’s when I told them, cause I wanted to tell them, I didn’t want to tell them over the phone. I knew I would tell them face to face and that was weighing on me the whole, like that was weighing on me the whole time.

Cause I was like, dang, I know I have to tell him. but they were very supportive, which I was shocked by. They were sad that I didn’t tell them that I didn’t tell them sooner that I felt that I couldn’t tell them sooner of course. Which shocked me, I didn’t expect the reaction that I got, but they were, they were very supportive.

Taylor Camille: Yeah, and I mean, I was going to rewind and just thinking about your family and thinking about Texas period, how was it when you came out to them in general? And what was that time of your life like.

Caleb Ashton: Oh, that was I was very like rebellious because I came out when I was a junior in high school. So I was like, very like rebellious. I didn’t, I was ready to get out of the house. But yeah, I came out to my mom. She was, she was hurt. She was a little disappointed, but she was very, accepting and patient. There was, my father was, he was very supportive. He was like, I already knew that like ‘you couldn’t, you can’t’ — He didn’t mean it like in an insulting way, he was just like, ‘there’s, there’s nothing you could really hide from me. Like, I, I kinda like you’re my son. I kinda, I know you, so like, there’s nothing you can really hide from, or you can have for me. And I don’t, I don’t love you any different.’ So I would, that was a relief to hear, which, and which I’m grateful for, because I’ve heard some crazy stories about people getting kicked out of their houses at a young age. Things go left there’s fights you know, I mean the worst. I’m very thankful and blessed to have the parents and the family and support that I do have.

Taylor Camille: Yeah. Yeah. how did you, I mean, so I stumbled upon this video, but how did you learn to talk about it? Right. Like, I feel like there is the stigma, isn’t it? In one clip you mentioned, like, when you got your diagnosis, you were like, I just didn’t want to be that Black guy with HIV or whatever. In so many words you kind of yeah said, so how did you like get over that and like be so public about it and be so open about it.

Caleb Ashton: I remember, like, I know it sounds so corny, but like, I remember I like strong. I was like, cause I’ve been, I’ve gone through a lot of, a lot of stuff in my, in my, my twenty seven years of living. So, I mean, I knew how. I was like, I can’t, I can’t let this stop me. Like, I mean, what am I going to do? Like I got, I kind of have no choice and it kind of fueled me to just like, try to hustle a little bit harder.

But yeah, no, it was a lot, I’ve been through a lot, a lot of stuff. So, I mean, there, wasn’t not saying that this was minor. But I wasn’t as phased as I was by this due to the other stuff that I’ve been through, I didn’t see a lot of Black men talking about it openly who did have it. So I knew that, I didn’t want to like silence my voice because somebody else was silencing theirs, yeah.

Taylor Camille: And have you, like, I know you share a bunch of like tik tok videos and you’re doing those kinds of things, but have you, did you share like any of your speaking about HIV with your friends or anything, or did you just kinda like.

Caleb Ashton: I put it on my Instagram. I did share those. I shared it on my Facebook links on YouTube that you’re talking about. I do share it on Instagram and YouTube. I got a lot of support from that as well. but yeah, it was like, it was, it was crazy. My inboxes were flooded. I was like, Oh my gosh. But yeah, no, I got, it was a lot of support. I was, I was surprised,

Taylor Camille: What has treatment been like? And what’s been the process of, you know, finding your doctor. And I read something the other day that was like, you know, this is something you can live with there’s treatment for it. I t’s not like a death sentence so, yeah. What has treatment been like? And, well, actually two things before treatment. Can you, like, in your own words, define what HIV is or your interpretation of what that is?

Caleb Ashton: I would describe it as, of course a sexually transmitted virus. You can get it through oral sex intercourse, unprotected sex, but it attacks your immune system and it causes your T cells to get low. When I had first got diagnosed, they said that it was a good thing that I came because, my T cells were still high, like still at a high point. So, it was good that I got the medicine. I got the treatment right when I got it. So I could start becoming undetectable and undetectable means it’s like, your T cells are at a healthy level and the virus is untraceable and ultimately undetectable. I really didn’t get any like symptoms until I started like taking the medicine, the medicine was kind of the weirdest part, I guess, cause your body is getting used to it.

Another thing it’s caused me to do is like really pay attention to my insurance. Make sure nothing doesn’t cancel. Also I found out there’s like different strands of HIV, for your T cells, when your T cells are like getting destroyed, it’s harder for your body to fight off other infections and it makes you more for infection. So, I still take vitamins, a lot of vitamins, especially at a time like this,

Taylor Camille: And so what other, what else does treatment look like? And have you found like a doctor that you see regularly and like, or is it just, is it mainly like visiting clinics and praying or advocating for yourself to make sure that they get their stuff together, or what does that look like?

Caleb Ashton: I do have to take tests like blood work every six months, just to make sure my T cells are at a good level and that I am undetectable.

Taylor Camille: Yeah.

Caleb Ashton: But yeah, the treatment I take Biktarvy. I just take one pill every morning around the same time I try to take it when I get off work, I work overnight. So I, when I get home, I’m like, okay, I’ll just take it. As soon as I get home and then you can’t take anything. I have to wait at least three hours to take anything else. So, it’s taking my vitamins after the wait at least three hours.

Taylor Camille: Just cause of like the effects it might have on your body

Caleb Ashton: Well it won’t no, no, no, no. Cause the, cause the vitamins won’t work. The Biktarvy will still work the vitamins that I’m taking won’t

Taylor Camille: It like cancels it out. Cause it’s so strong, that-

Caleb Ashton: Yeah, but yeah. I’m, I’m glad cause I’m, I’m just grateful because I know that there was a point of time there was no type of medicine for it. There was once upon a time people had to take like four or five pills for it but yeah, no, I just had to take, luckily I just had to take one, pill.

Taylor Camille: And then on the resource front, what resources did you find to be the most helpful on your journey? Like I imagine I got diagnosed the first thing I would do is like go online and probably get scared or, you know, I mean, you told your closest friend, but what, along the way, like really helped guide you to figure out like, what you should and shouldn’t do, or like next steps.

Caleb Ashton: I was just trying to listen to my healthcare provider that the physician had partnered me with at the moment cause they, they just seem, they just had a good vibe about them. And I wasn’t I know this sounds bad. Yeah. But I was like really trying to, just network out here. I knew like, okay, what do I need to do? As far as my health, but it wasn’t. I just, I just took the resources that they provided me.

Taylor Camille: Yeah. Right. And then, I mean, you’re networking and stuff, but how did you, you mentioned that your friend also said that they had it, when you, you know, disclose it, you were positive. Did you, were you seeking community to like bounce off stories with people or bounce off? Like I don’t know, just experiences or did you kind of feel like you already had your people and you were, you know,

Caleb Ashton: Yeah I feel like I already kind of had my support. I mean, there’s as far like my health, there’s only so much somebody as far as like, there’s only so much somebody can tell you, ‘Hey, HIV doesn’t stop you’. Like, everybody’s going to say that, like, there was some something in the video, so there’s only so much somebody can tell you about HIV.

But no, they were just living their life. They were living their lives, just like I was living in my life they just didn’t, they didn’t let it stop them. Yeah, no, I, I kind of had already had a support system as far as like my friends and family that I told.

Taylor Camille: That’s good. The other thing I wanted to ask was how has it been, I mean, me, myself in quarantine, I’m like, well, I guess there goes my dating life, like that’s out the window, but how has it been dating? Maybe pre-quarantine or, you know, I guess if you’re dating now, I, I got on apps and I’m like, I don’t know why I did this, but.

Caleb Ashton: No, I, I was getting on apps, like just to during, I was going to have during quarantine just to like, kill my boredom. But before quarantine, I wasn’t, I was like heavily in church. Like, I had kind of got a regimen on my life. Like I would just, it was just literally work church, gym and I might have gotten a gig or something but that’s all it was. So I wasn’t really focused on like a dating life, especially out here. There’s like a specific, I don’t want to say all the guys are superficial. I haven’t found like a guy that I clicked with.

Taylor Camille: Yeah.

Caleb Ashton: Yeah.

Taylor Camille: I feel you, especially being from the South. That’s my whole thing. When I moved East, I was always, people would be like, well, which one do you like better? And I’m like, honestly, I would like LA with like the people from where I’m from, like, or like from the East coast or from the South, or I just feel like LA gets filtered with a bunch of superficial people from all over the place.

You can’t find like real down to earth people. Cause you’re like, you’re all chasing something else or like looking for the next best the thing and its like, Oh, okay, that’s cool. But like, can we be grounded? Like we don’t always have to be, so I feel you on that.

Caleb Ashton: Exactly. I mean, I just, I just knew that that would be like, I know for me when I’m in a relationship, it’s like a part time job. And like, guys just take up your time. And it was like, I just like, I don’t have time to be calling you all the time. And just I mean, when I’m in a relationship, I’m in a relationship, I do care, but I’m like not what I came to LA for I could have an, a relationship anywhere.

Taylor Camille: Right have you been watching How I, or I May Destroy You? I always mess that name up.

Caleb Ashton: I don’t was that from the, no, that’s not the same girl I’m thinking about something else. No, I have not seen that.

Taylor Camille: Have you read about it? You need to watch it. That’s Micaela Cole on HBO.

Caleb Ashton: I May Destory You, I have not heard about, but.

Taylor Camille: Caleb. You’ve got to watch it.

Caleb Ashton: Oh, okay. I think I’ve seen, I’ve seen, I’ve seen this.

Taylor Camille: Yeah, so she did Chewing Gum on Netflix, but, I didn’t really like that. That was more of a comedy and this is like more drama and more like, well dramedy and, you know, she’s, she’s talking about like how people process trauma it’s like the Black, British trauma, life, dating.

It’s really good. And there’s this actor in it and he’s, you know, he’s representing Black gay men and how the system has failed them. I think it just brings up conversations about who gets to be vulnerable and who gets to pursue love safely. And like, I don’t know. I just wanted to pick your brain about it but, you haven’t seen it, so.

Caleb Ashton: I’ll definitely check it out, I wish I have not been, I’ve not been watching as many shows as I normally do. But yeah, no, I definitely need to check it out.

Taylor Camille: Yeah, it’s really cool. And I, I mean, I would just, I guess off that point, just how, since you are an actor and you are in this business, I just want your remarks or thoughts about how Black gay men are represented and what do you think is left out of the, of the stories that you have, or have not seen.

Caleb Ashton: I think a lot from what I have seen, I think a lot of Black gay men are very we’re we’re fetishized. And I think, a lot of the narratives become sex driven and it’s okay. You need to have a little bit of course sex in, in any story, but when it’s like literally every other scene or every scene there’s, somebody is making out it subsequently it’s like porn. So I just wish that it wasn’t, we weren’t so like Black men, especially weren’t so fetishized and I would, I would want to see, like the relationship dynamics outside of the bed like what’s the work, the working relationship? Like how do they support each other in their business endeavors? A lot of gay men I know they have a lot of drive when it comes to their careers.

I would love to see that aspect and what fuels that and just how they handle life. When things come at them when, when they experienced adversity, because it gave me a lot of Black gay men do experience adversity. There’s a lot of, colorism in the gay community and the Black gay community. There’s a lot of colorism, there is a lot of segregation in the gay community in general. So I would just explore those as I would want to explore those aspects. I do have pieces that I’ve written, that I do need a film before this year. Cause I have to, contractually I have to but yeah, I would definitely like to see the fact that this person is gay is not the main topic. It’s like, Oh yay. But he’s trying to like, not become homeless and all this stuff is happening to him. And he’s working jobs and you want to see him succeed. That’s what I would like to see more, not so much sex driven because at the end of the day, when do you see other Black gay men producing , fetishize, sex driven, Black gay narratives, it’s it kind of becomes counterproductive to, art, to us being progressive.

Taylor Camille: Do you feel like there’s anyone right now that is like taking a step in the right direction? Like any creators, even if they’re like not mainstream yet.

Caleb Ashton: There is some, I’m trying to think. I know the gentleman who wrote Moonlight, I don’t know what he’s produced recently, but I did enjoy Moonlight. I did enjoy him and I liked how there wasn’t, there was moments of intimacy, but there wasn’t like, okay, we’re like full on having sex. It was very like, the moments of intimacy were like really like powerful.

Taylor Camille: Tender

Caleb Ashton: They were very tender. Who else? I do, I love what Ryan Murphy is doing as far as, when it comes to Pose and celebrating just Black queerness, in that aspect and I love their narratives. I love each characters, narratives, but also incorporating them in American horror story and giving the trans women actual, female roles versus, you know, This is a trans woman playing, you know, like I enjoy that. and Oh my God. What is the name for Mo — the playwright who was, Alvin McCraney,

Taylor Camille: Oh, I would not have guessed that name.

Caleb Ashton: He’s written some good plays.

Taylor Camille: Hmm. Yeah. this is like a total aside, but do you feel as an actor that you know that you might get typecast or only have to play, gay Black men, or do you feel like there’s space and room or even interests that you want to play you know, someone heterosexual or what do you feel about that?

Caleb Ashton: I think that there’s room for, I think there’s a role for gay Black men to play heterosexual. It’s just, I think they know that if anything, they know you’re Black before you’re gay, if any, in some cases, and then once they find out you’re gay, they want you to be an archetype of what they think a gay person is.

So I, definitely do think that there’s room for gay Black men to play heterosexual roles. I think so.

Taylor Camille: Yeah, what made you get into acting in the first place?

Caleb Ashton: What, what made me get into acting was for the drama class, we had to do this monologue. And the teacher was so impressed with my monologue that she wanted me to do, be a part of her play. So I audition in the spring…I audition in the spring then, yeah have a callback audition. Went to callback audition and then at first they said that I didn’t get it, but I was like, I like, I know I did. So I called back, I said ‘I know I did good on my audition and there’s some type of mistake.’

And they were like, ‘Oh, why wait there is, there is actually a mistake’ so, I don’t know if I really got it or what, but that’s what happened. So from there, I was doing I just love being in that environment where you got to work on acting on different facets of acting like most of the day, of course you have to do your academic stuff, but it was a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun

Taylor Camille: Aw, I love that story. ‘Is there a mistake? There has gotta be a mistake.’

Caleb Ashton: Though, it was crazy. Cause I was, I was like, yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy.

Taylor Camille: Everyone needs that confidence. Double check.

Caleb Ashton: I need it now!

Taylor Camille: Okay. Oh, like double check. What do you hope? I mean, this might be kind of obvious, but what do you hope people will take away from you sharing your experience, your passions, anything like, what do you hope to like leave with people?

Caleb Ashton: Well, just acting, I think acting in general just teaches you, you have to have hope because sometimes that’s all you have. And even with just be, being responsible as far as like my sexual, my sexual health, just being responsible in that area. and just know that like, okay, I’m going through something right now, but there’s something better on the other side of it.

There’s always something better. Like I promise, I promise you. There’s always something better on that. and just to have, like I said, you gotta have hope if you don’t have anything else, just have hope.

Taylor Camille: Yeah.

Caleb Ashton: You gotta just keep going.

Taylor Camille: Yeah. what do you think men’s health conversations last back? Cause in like developing this season, I feel like during the women’s season was much easier because women are usually a little more forthcoming. Maybe the algorithm is like serving me more women’s content but I think that like when I search on social or anything, like usually there’s more tailored to, to women, especially in the health space, like, we, I think just automatically have to be more in tune with our bodies are more concerned about things happening in our body but when I look at, like men’s publications, I’ll see mainly it’s about sex. It’s about fitness and maybe diet, like that’s about it. But I don’t know if you, if you gather the same from your experience.

Caleb Ashton: Yes, I think like, I think it kind of, you said it, just be more upfrontness about, about sexual health. I think men think that they have something to prove so they don’t want to like really, Oh, they’re like, ‘Oh, I am faithful. So I don’t really need to get checked, have a sexual health check.’

Whereas when it’s like, okay, just, you know, just being honest with yourself. Look, I know my body. I know something’s off, let me go get tested for my health or some people don’t trust doctors. They feel like doctors are scams, so they don’t try to go to the doctor and get tested or are ya, I just, just being honest with yourself and being more responsible, that’s what I think it is.

Taylor Camille: Yeah, it’s so strange. It’s like, Like the elephant in the room. Like, we all know you need to go like take care of like handle your business. And I don’t know why it’s been framed for men to be any less manly for knowing about your body. You know? Like it’s so funny on Twitter when people are like, these are the same population of people that got sold, like shampoo and body wash and the same bottle or something, you know, it is and they think that’s okay.

Caleb Ashton: Please.

Taylor Camille: Like that is not okay. Yeah, so, the last question, I end all my shows with this, but what brings you peace? Like when you might feel down and out or just all over the place, what brings you peace? Whether it’s like a phrase or a book or anything.

Caleb Ashton: Definitely me personally, definitely reading my Bible. About the Bible has a lot of positive affirmations that like kind of going in one ear and out the other. But I think like constantly going through the Bible you kind of need to hear that and I’ll see, I’ve seen God work.

and I’ve seen other things I’ve seen what was written in the Bible come true in my life. So just knowing that if, if I go through a bad time there, it’s not going to be permanent. So yeah, just reading the Bible, praying, definitely journaling, how I feel today and yeah, that’s pretty much, pretty much it.

Beyond Our Cells is an original series produced and hosted by me Taylor Camille, a variety of the series artwork shared here and on our Instagram @beyondourcells are created by Carmen Johns and Sierra Hood. My hope is that these listening’s have left you with a warm heart and an even cooler mind. I hope you are left feeling able to seek peace in the spaces and places you may find yourself in.

If you’re interested in being on the pod or have any compelling leads, please shoot us an email at info@beyondourcells.com and subscribe and share if you haven’t already.

Check out our feature on Well & Good here